This will be my last post for a bit. Master is going through a difficult time, one that I am not sure I am able to help Him with. As such I have given Him time and space and requested He reach out to me when He is ready. Despite how it may come across, it is not about me and I fear that in maintaining contact the way we were, I was making it about me. It’s always been about Him.
I have a hard time gauging what people need from me, especially when I am not directly told what is needed. I am working on that. I am working on a lot of things. I have 2 other blogs, one for my series novel and one for my musings. If you would like that information, please feel free to contact me and I will happily provide the same. I deleted my erotica blog some time ago, but I digress.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take a step back when someone is drowning in chaos. Some people need a shoulder, others need a hand, others still an eager ear. It became apparent to me that He needed to wallow with Himself and whomever else He has chosen to let into that part of His life. My need to help Him was selfish because that is not what He expressly needed from me.
Our dynamic was never a romantic one. Romance is generally accepted as a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. While at times there was excitement and mystery, it was never associated with love, only with the promise of something new and different. Through this I learned the sort of friend I want to be, which has vastly evolved from the sort of friend I had been, mostly because I was never really a friend at all.
These are the types of friendships I often heard (without Him directly saying so) Him lament about having:
- Appendage — friendly because there’s a possibility that an individual’s success will help them;
- Conditional — a requirement placed on a relationship that’s dependent on a certain need being met;
- Counterfeit — gives the impression of being a friend, but isn’t someone who can be trusted;
- Evaluative — determines the significance of a relationship based on the last thing(s) provided or done;
- Fair-Weather — disappears during a time of need, but will return once a bad time or situation passes;
- Leech — drains an individual of their energy, essence, or desire to move forward;
- Occasional — friendly during certain times, but suddenly stops being friendly without any reason or notice. At a later time, the person will be friendly (again) on their terms;
- Negative — considers themselves to be a friend, but is always pessimistic about things related to the friendship or the things that their friend does;
- Noncommittal — goes back-and-forth on their belief(s), support, assistance, etc.;
- Situational — an individual suddenly becomes friendly once a certain event occurs that there might be a personal benefit;
- Spiteful — jealous of someone’s efforts to achieve or actual success;
- Toxic – gives an impression of providing support, but actively works to undermine their efforts.
I worry that my stepping back may be misconstrued as being “fair-weather”, but He knows better. I know He does. I would be there in a heart beat if I thought that was what He wanted.
I have decided to become a more positive role in anyone’s life whose path I happen to cross. I am learning, through service, that is my purpose. I am meant to bring joy, not sorrow. I am meant to give, not to take. I want to be not just one of the following, but all:
- Cheerleader — provides direct moral support for someone’s work and activities;
- Good-Time Charlie — hangs out with an intent to have a good time or for stress relief;
- Kindred Spirit — provides emotional, spiritual, or moral support;
- Strategist — assists with helping to develop, think through, and achieve a goal.
Ultimately, I want to be a true friend. Someone who doesn’t place a classification, condition, value, or limitation on a relationship; someone who will provide emotional support and will also remain friends during good and bad times without exceptions.
One day, I am sure, I will be meaningful to someone. I am not defined by the transgressions of my past or the shadow of my former self. I am not in competition with anyone else, but myself. There will always be those that are better, but that is of no consequence to me anymore. I can only be my best and true self.
It hurts, gosh I would be lying if I said otherwise. I spent a big part of yesterday and today crying at random moments trying to get a hold of what I had done. I think that must be what it’s like to actually care about someone as a friend. I will likely wonder for a very long time whether or not I did the right thing, but I will also know what value (if any) I had to Him as He is in control of this.
I remember once crying for a friend who was going through a painful time. She meant so much to me back then. All I wanted to do was take her hurt away. It brought me to tears, on my knees, screaming to God to take her hurt from her and give it to me. Let me bear that burden, I could take it, just ease her suffering. I had almost forgotten about that.
That is what these tears have felt like.
As the days go on, I will check my email less and less, still following His rules until such time as He dismisses me. I still have hope that He will keep me, but I know that makes me a fool.
I hope He finds happiness.