The Misconception.

Sir, I need You to quiet my voices.

Sir, I need You to hurt me. 

Sir, I need You to take control.

Sir, I need You to make me feel secure.

Sir, I need You to make me feel attractive.

Sir, I need You to guide me through life.

Sir, I need You to take my pain away.

Sir, I need You to protect me.

Sir, I need You to do the above and more and I will give You… 

Nothing.  Truly, I give you nothing in return except some semblance of submission.  Some fake version of what I know to be love.  I don’t give–I take.  I am devoted to you until someone better comes along.  I am devoted to you until I decide I don’t want to be anymore.  You have no power here, Sir. 

I wish You could see me, Sir. 

I think the hardest part isn’t my own suffering, but watching You suffer. I’ve seen it, Sir. Even when You didn’t mean to show me. 

It is a strange sensation, to have ones entire world revolve around someone who is a world away. It’s a strange sensation to stave off emotion due to fear. It’s a strange sensation to care about someone and watch the sadness in their eyes. 

I was guilty once of being a taker. That is no longer my way. Generally at this point I would end, because in the end, I know my feelings are not really relevant. 

But You opened Pandora’s box and now You will have its contents. 

I have spent countless hours waiting for You. Simply a curser was sufficient. I didn’t often ask for more.  I realized that even that was asking too much, so I’ve stopped asking for anything altogether. 

I trusted You to let me know my value to You.  It was not long ago that I realized that while the basics of our dynamic were brilliant, You were not physically attracted to me. That was a hard pill to swallow, Sir, but swallow I did. 

Still. I pushed forward because in the end,  it has never been about me. It was always about You. 

I tend to think that is the way it always works. We pick the ones we think we want and we cast below the ones that we deserve. The ones that will give us peace. 

You are good. You deserve a faithful and loyal slave who would give her life for You even though You would never ask that of her. 

You are smart. You are kinder than You let on. You give so much Yourself to everyone else that there is hardly anything left when the day is done. 

Please. Don’t give up on me. I will not give up on You. 

 

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