A couple weeks ago, Master rescinded Original Rule 11. It came as a surprise and originally I thought He was upset with me or somehow He wanted to dismiss me. I panicked slightly, but He explained that it was simply a test and that I had done well. Going forward, I will not be referring to myself as “it” or a version of it.
It’s taken three weeks for me to gather myself from that. It was only about 5 weeks or so that I was in that head space, but it was long enough to have formed a bond with that identity as it felt like it was uniquely mine.
I know better now.
Somehow, stripping myself of my identity as I had come to know it and then having to replace it, forced me to suffering in the throes of unfamiliar
emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with. That coupled with the misplaced trust in another really sent me about a downward spiral. Woman tend to be manipulated by their own emotions and often act without thinking. It all solidified the fact that my time and efforts are wasted on friendships as people are not able to control themselves. I don’t have the patience.
In three weeks time I put myself through a gamut of nonsense ranging from self-doubt to abhorrent self-importance. I wish I could recount those moments here in text, but to do so would give life again to meaninglessness. Suffice it to say that in three weeks time, I almost lost everything.
It all culminated into a night of complete and veritable failure on my part. I gambled and drank and proceeded to make an utter fool of myself in front of my Master. I suppose I should be thankful that display was not public, but things like that hardly are. I don’t give to others what I have given to Him and unfortunately I didn’t know what to do with myself in those moments of unmitigated weakness which lead me to the only person I have. Him.
The voices were loud and drowned out all of my senses.
The following day He let me know He was “not impressed” and it was in that moment that I broke. For the first time in my life–here and now, I will admit: I was broken.
Gloriously, and perhaps unknowingly, He gingerly rebuilt me. Another day later, and the process was not complete. It was not until this morning when I woke did I realize what I had become. That I was new. That He had made me.
For the first time in three weeks, I am calm. I am centered. I am set to the task of being a source of pride for Him. Everything else has faded and exists in a muted groan except the crystal clear sound of His voice and His expectations.
Often devotion is mistaken for
love. They are not the same. I am devoted to Him. My allegiance and loyalties are Him. He is my Dearest Friend and is helping me become the person I am meant to be.
Thank You, Sir.