There is a song that has been playing in it’s mind for days. It would not make sense to anyone but itself it assumes.
“…love is not a victory march, It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah.”
That is exactly how it imagines it’s broken skin. It’s broken capillaries. It is on its knees in a way that it cannot explain.
So, it needed more than physical pain. It needed to suffer in a way it does rarely and it also needed to make up for the way it has recently behaved. It has not made itself available to anyone, especially not it’s Master.
He mentioned finding another for Him. So, it did. It did not hesitate. It watched their conversation and was glad when He gave it small tokens of affection– little compliments. It made it smile.
It hurt nonetheless. Not because it was jealous, but because it was then that it realized it was not enough. It could never be enough. So it will find more and sate it’s Masters needs. It will and each one will be like a knife in its stomach, but it will. Because pain is pain.
He generously let it climax for the first time in weeks. It did. It edged and waited for His command and when it finally came, the whole weight of the world it has been carrying on its shoulders came crashing down around it. The last time it cried was the night before it left its husband. It cried for the loss of what could have been, not for what was.
The tears stained its cheeks and it gathered itself in its own arms and took comfort in itself. It was there that it whispered it’s cold and broken hallelujah. It is its own aftercare because text on a screen may not ever be enough.
When it dragged the knife across its skin, it felt better. It will push its Master. It will find loopholes in His instruction and exploit them, not because it wants to, but because it has an obligation to it’s Master. To lift Him up and make Him the greatest He can be. It will challenge Him. Not because it wants to be punished–no. It avoids punishment. That is why it is careful with Him in a way it has never been with others. It will because He will get tired and bored otherwise.
It sent Him something today. It wonders if He will like its very very small token of affection.