For all intents and purposes, it is a cheerful creature. Poised, kind, professional and a pillar in it’s community– it does not ever give the appearance of anything other than happiness.
It’s emotions are best explained as a pendulum. The swing is predictable. The swing does not fail. It always comes. The highs are lofty and hesitate in that position for just a moment. The lows are deep and swift. They come and go at the whim of God.
It does believe in God.
So it is in the middle of the downswing of the brassy orb that is it’s emotions.
The days pass in slow motion, simply waiting for the next moment to pass. The aching. The voices. They are loudest in these days.
It did make a new friend recently. It does not have many. It enjoys his company even if he is a bit jaded, grumpy and brooding. Perhaps it will be able to show him that there is still joy to be found in this life.
It was just watching it’s husband through the kitchen window as it prepared lasagne for supper. It smiled fondly at his work. Changing it’s oil, filters, thermostat, power steering pump. It always said she would be with a man who knew how to fix things and it certainly found that in him. Despite his sexual proclivities and his insecurities, he is a good man. Attractive, strong, solid career. It is lucky.
That is when the guilt creeps in. All of the horrid things about it that it’s husband will never know. It supposes it’s addiction is like any other.
It has tried to be good, but it cannot help the way it feels when men visibly lust for it. It likes the way it feels during a first kiss. It delights in their obsession. That is it’s alternate self. It has always referred to that part as minx. It is an accurate description.
It can feel when minx is coming and it always tries to stifle it, but minx always makes an appearance.
Minx is present now, but it is present as well. It desperately wants to be a whole creature and not torn into two. It is not sure how to begin that process. It needs a guide.
It carries on.